Tears

(The above pic is from 2007...i don't have very many nice recent pics of Nephi because he HATES having his pictures taken. He literally runs from the camera.)

I am sad today.
my baby ...a.k.a....oldest child, Nephi, turned 13 yesterday. I can't believe it. How dare he grow up!!!!..just yesterday he was a teeny tiny baby that was born 4 months premature,fought for his life after heart surgery, and beat the odds when he lived with no preemie side effects.
Here's how it went.
His father was very abusive. And me being pregnant did not make a difference in how violent he was. I will spare you the gruesome details of all that though. Those who were around me at the time know what I am talking about. I, too, am lucky to be alive. I don't think I have to tell you how I went into premature labor. Basically if you are thinking the worst,you are right.

I was very young,just 18 at the time. I had not been to prenatal classes yet,or read any books on pregnancy. I was estranged from my family at the time and had no one to tell me what to expect. No one to tell me what to read or how to prepare. I had no idea there was even such a thing as premature labor.
I went into labor in my 16th week.I was in labor for 3 days. By the 3rd day the pain was so bad that I could not walk and all I could do was lay in bed sceaming from the pain. The reason it went on for 3 days was because Nephi's dad refused to take me to the hospital. ( he was mad at me for missing work).When he finally did, the doctor said we needed to deliver now. Huh? what!!??? I had no idea what he was talking about. I went into it blind in the sense that I had NO idea what was going on. Nephi was out in about 5 minutes. He had been in the birth canal for at least 2 days ,So he was black and blue. His skin was transparent, and he did not even have real fingernails yet. He weighed under 2 pounds. The doctor told me to not get my hopes up because he only had a 5 percent chance of surviving. Despite all the turmoil in my life at the time I was still as active in church as I could be. And at that moment I felt no fear,just comfort and without thinking I told the doctor "NO, he will live". The medical staff was hesitant but went ahead and got to work on him. They put him in a bed of tinfoil and saran wrap...to simulate the warm womb I guess. They needed to keep him heated. He had tubes coming out of...everywhere!!!His lungs were not fully developed so he could not cry,or breathe on his own but he could move his arms and legs. He was alive and I had no idea yet what a miracle it was that he lived. I am still trying to process all that 13 years later!!! He was given a blessing by my father in law at the time and some other priesthood in the ward. He was then ailrlifted to Foothills hospital in calgary and that was Nephi's home and Mine for the next 4 months. I lived in a hostel,in a little room all by myself and it was the hardest thing I have ever done. I did not have very many visitors and I was lonely and depressed. not to mention I was still a teenager so I did not fully understand everything that was going on or the seriousness of it. The medical talk was all foreign to me and nobody tried to help me understand. One Foreign doctor even tried to get me to hand over my baby for experimental blood transfusions!! Thankfully I had at least enough sense to tell him to back off. I really had no support system there with me but we got through it. Heavenly Father carried me through those horrible months and watched over my son, and he lived. He had heart surgery shortly before he was old enough to come home, and other than that has had no health problems at all. Preemies have to go to the doctor for frequent check ups every few months. The doctors were always amazed at how he pulled through with no health problems. They would call in the rest of the staff and say "come look at this baby. Can you believe this!??" I would just smile to myself becausae I knew exactly how it was possible. The Priesthood is real and it is healing,even when it is not humanly or scientifically or medically possible,when it is the Lords will. And Like I said before, i am still processing everything that happened. But I do know that I am so so thankful that I was in tune with the spirit enough to tell the doctors to please not give up. the fact that I was immediately comforted tells me that my son was meant to live. He has a purpose here on this earth today.I believe there were angels in the delivery room that day...
Nephi is very smart. He is a sience guy. Not into sports. he can tell me the inner workings of any comuter,tv,or electronic device and it is completely over my head. He's smart. He reads his scriptures without me reminding him. 2 chapters every night. Thats more than I read, I am ashamed to admit.
I can't believe he is 13. A teenager. I am not ready for the teen angst and rebellion. Hopefully with him there will be none of that. He's too good a kid. He's too special. It makes me sad because I want my kids to stay little. We haven't even been to Disneyworld yet!!!
My kids are growing up. Too fast. Time does not last long enough.
I will add a picture later when I get to the other computer..so be sure to check back,Nephi's a handsome one!!!

(oh, and for the record, I did leave the abusive monster,but thats another long story....And i am happily married now as you all know, to a perfect man. For real. He's perfect.)

Impressed with myself

Yes, I am. So impressed indeed. I finished Megans quilt. She will get it for christmas so it is a secret right now. I am excited that it turned out so well. The back of the quilt is a sheet. Megan does not like the top sheet on her bed. It gets all wrinkled underneath the blanket and it drives her crazy. So rather than leave it sitting in the linen closet I decidede to use it as the back of the quilt. I need to iron out some crinkles,which ,I know, I should have done before I sewed it all together but I am an amateur quilt maker and it just didn't occurr to me to do it. I also have been told that is is a good idea to wash the fabric before sewing. I have never ever washed my fabric before sewing. I have never had a problem from not prewashing so I guess its just a personal decision. I am really enjoying this. I finally have time to do things like this again. I used to make all Megans dresses when she was little and then, well, life happened and sewing and crafting took a back seat to everything else. I am excited to be in a place now where i can have actual hobbies for myself. Very excited.And I have a wonderful hubby to thank for it. He works hard for us to have what we want.Next is Elias's. I got the fabric for his yesterday. I have a sheet to use for the back of his too. I'll show it to you in a few days when it is finished. yay!!

Sunday thought: Tithing

I am sick today and therefore skipping curch.

One thing I struggle with sometimes is paying tithing. I know I need to and I know it is the right thing to do. but sometimes I can't help but feel a tad greedy,especially right now, because I really want to buy some Alexander Henry apples and pears fabric. And I AM going to pay my tithing.I will not let myself be greedy. I just feel like, this fabric was hard to find and I really want it and I can still get some, just not as much as if I kept that tithing money. But honestly, I would feel guilty. And how would I tell Chris that I spend his tithing money on fabric? Yeah, would not be a cool thing to do. So I will get a little bit of fabric, and next week ,hopefully, I will still be able to find somemore. Really, I looked all over for it. Cally told me where she got hers and I got all excited just to find out they don't have anymore. But I did find some. A little more than my price range,but I am willing to pay it because I really love it. I am doing valances for my kitchen with it.Maybe a matching apron so I can look all domestic and cute at the same time like June Cleaver.
Anyways, back to tithing.
Years ago ,when I was a single mom of 3, I was faced with the tough decision of buying groceries,or paying my tithing. I was always able to provide my kids with all their needs, and most of the time even their wants,but I had a tough month work wise and that months pay just wasn't enough. We barely had any food in the house. Normally I had enough food stored for months like this,but we had used it and I hadn't had the chance ,or the money, to replenish it.I had some other money but I could not risk having the lights cut off and as a woman alone with 3 kids I needed a working phone.I gathered the kids together and explained that we wouldn't be able to have our movie night(we always either rented movies,or went to the dollar theatre on friday nights),and we could not go shopping for food because I really had to pay tithing. So I did. nephi,who was 8 at the time, and newly baptized, asked how we were going to get food. I explained that if we pay our tithing that Heavenly Father will not let us go hungry.We need to have Faith and through Faith miracles happen. I promised him we would get a miracle if we did what was right. We would be provided for. (In my mind though I was terrified of my kids going hungry. I was worried deep down that having no food for my family was punishment for other things I had done in my past.)I told him that we just needed to get on our knees and ask Heavenly Father to provide mommy with more work,and hopefully some work where I could be paid right away. So we did. We knelt and said a prayer and I tucked the kids into bed. It was friday,so we were having our weekly friday night campout in the living room. The doorbell rang,I am not even kidding,less than 20 minutes after we ended the prayer. It was sister Pollack. We were serving in primary together at the time.She did not know about my financial situation-nobody did. She explained to me that there was a ton of food left over from the church function that night. ( our ward had over 700 members so it was rare to have anything left over after a function).She said my name came to her mind as she was leaving the church and she decided to bring it right over to me. She said she didn't know why but she was sure I needed it. After we brought the food in, I noticed Nephi standing there with his mouth open,jaw to the floor. And he shouted out "mom, you were right!!!it's a miracle!!!" I could not believe it either. I was simply hoping for some extra work ,which I did get,but we were provided with food immediately too. I told the kids we needed to get on our knees and thank God for this miracle. And we did. And There was so much food that it lasted about 4 weeks. I think about this every week when I am faced with my greedy thoughts(unfortunately there are many). It doesn't take long for me snap into reality and know what I need to do and I do it with a happy heart. I think about that night everyday when I am faced with problems and I remember how God works in ways that we don't even realize and can't fully comprehend in this life. Sister Pollack was in tune with the spirit and through her our prayers were answered.Not to mention all the sisters in the ward who cooked way too much food that day!!! To them I will always be grateful. Because not were we able to eat and not go hungry,but this was the moment when Nephi knew the church is true without a doubt. He told me so.I hope my kids grow up always remembering that night.For me, the best part was watching my children see their prayers anwers right before their eyes!!!

dear Nikki

please excuse the picture. It is a picture of a picture since i have no scanner, and picnik was freezing up on me so this is what you get to look at.

My dear dear childhood friend is getting married today. We have known each other since we were about 2 years old. We are now 32...long time. I wish I was there to see it, and if we hadn't lost touch for so many years I probably would be. I regret losing touch. I have missed her a lot. After I graduated high school and moved out on my own, I lost touch with just about everyone who ever mattered to me. My fault.A lot of things happened and as a result, I just wanted to be left alone, and just stopped communicating with everyone.. That is my number one regret. If I could turn back time that is the one thing I would change. I would have been so much happier with certain people being a part of my life. but I chose another path and my life was a mess. I do have 3 children who I love more than anything else. I wouldn't want to be without them, but I certainly would have done a lot of things differently along the way. I was out of communication for about 15 years. I finally found a perfect man (for me) 3.5 years ago,and started making amends with friends and putting the pieces of me back together. When I married Chris almost 3 years ago I realized that life really can be all that I have wished it could be. Don't get me wrong, my 3 kids are everything to me...they kept me afloat and I feel like I have always been a good mother. I could have done better at times but paretning is a learning process as most of you know.My kids made me happy. They were all I had,or so I felt for a long time. I wish I could have shared those years with friends.Nikki is the one I have missed the most. Our friendship was the one thing that held me together for so many years growing up. Especially the teen years. While for a lot of reasons those years were the worst for me, they were also the best. I was looking through some old pictures the other day and found a strip from a photo booth of me and Nikki, and a bunch from girls camp,a temple trip back when we were 12,church dances,youth conferences, prom..she was at my prom. She came all the way from saskatchewan to alberta to go to my prom. She was my friend steve's date. I just wish we would have stayed good friends all these years. We only recently reconnected on Facebook,of all places. I am glad we did.In a small way I feel like we picked up where we left off,but at the same time,there is a lot of new things to learn about each other. We have both been through a lot of experiences,trials,and life changing moments without each other and the reconnecting will be a long process. we may never be as close as we once were but I am glad to have her back in my life,even if it is only in cyberspace. She is getting hitched as I write this and I wish so badly that I was there. She is Nicole Bedford now. Nicole, if you read this, I want you to know that I am sorry for losing touch. I miss our friendship. I am so excited for you today...you're a real grown up now!!!!!!

Judge not,ok?

As you can tell by my last post, I have a huge amount of pressure on me right now. I know that is normal for a wife and mother but sometimes it gets to be too much. There are times when I honestly understand why some people just give up. The past couple weeks have been rough on our family in just about everyway. But the thing that is consuming me the most is how people pass judgement when they don't even know the person.

Megan is ADHD. She has actually calmed down alot though so I usually just say ADD now.She was officially diagnosed in kindergarten but we have been working with a therapist since she was 3. Her tantrums were so bad that I literally did not know what to do except give in. The tantrums would last for hours and there was no peace to be found anywhere. And it would be over little things like having to go to bed or the wrong color shirt.

You know when you feel frazzled and agitated and lost and just can't seem to focus or get motivated or concentrate? That is how an ADD/ADHD brain functions all the time. Our therapist explaines it to me this way. Megan is chemically imbalanced.Her brain is constantly short circuiting. Even though she is 11, her brain may only function like she is 5 which is why some situaitons cause more stress than others. Like school, and some social situations. She can't help it. And at the same time, if she does happen to focus on something she needs to be able to finish it or it throws her into a tailspin of confusion, agitation,and frustration.Her brain chemicals are just a bit wonky(got that word from cally).

We worked with the most amazing 2 child therapists I have ever met for about 4 years. I learned how to manage her behavior without medicating her. It was the hardest thing I have ever done. I had 2 other kids to look after and at the time I was a working single mother. I had no family living near me to help me with the kids. No child care for when the kids were sick so between Megans weekly appointments and sick kids I missed a lot of work, yet was still able to provide for my kids.I look back and see how the Lord really carried me through those years. I was blessed hugely.My boys are so good. They love their sister and have always been so accepting of her little quirks. They will do things for her to make her life easier which most kids would not willingly do. They don't pick fights with her and help her any way they can.

Megan has come a long way. she used to have these uncontrollable tantrums. it was not due to unfit parenting like some still think. She still has the occasional outburst and most people that are with her regularly know how to handle her. But I seem to be the only one who can really get through. It is extremely hard, but I love her so it is worth it to me.

She struggles in school and was held back in 3rd grade which was embarrassing for her. But she soon realized that another girl from church is also in her grade because of the birthday cutoff. So, it wasn't so bad to be a year behind after that and she managed to pass her grade and even got a math award in 4th grade last year. Huge milestone for her. We were very proud.

she is extremely artistic. She can take playdough and make these teeny tiny animals out if it the size of my fninger tip. They are so cute and very detailed. She can draw things from memory that look what they are meant to look like. She can knit and sew and she can cook. She loves to clean toilets. She loves cats and is kind to all animals and very nurturing towards them. She has trouble with social skills but has some close friends who love her no matter what. Her teachers at school tell me she is the sweetest girl they have ever met. This is huge because school used to be where most of the trouble was.

She is chemically imbalanced and I know everyone has different views on medication kids with ADD and ADHD. I have tried all sorts of meds and diets and therapy. I don't like meds. For Megan the side effects were not worth it.Therapy works best for us. During our time in therapy I was given several tools to dealing with Megan that I put to use on a daily basis. I don't get to socialize like I used to and I only occasionally leave her with a babysitter. But it works for us and she makes more progress each year.

I have seen kids who are bad because it really is the parents who spoil and give in and act like their kids are angels when everyone else around them can see they are not. These are the parents who judge me and my parenting and my child. I get so tired of it. i used to expain to everyone I met about Megan and her special needs. But after so many years I realized that people are going to gossip and judge and be rude anyways so I stopped explaining myself to people. Because it really doesn't matter. I do my best, megan is progressing and can almost get through most days without incident. I follow through with consequences each and every time which is hard work but necessary for these types of kids so they can learn limits and boundaries. I give her step by step guidance. For instance I can't just say to her "go get ready for school" like I can the boys. I have to give her step by step instructions. It takes more time but it helps her focus and not get frustrated. Her teachers have learned to do the same. She gets special help each day at school for an hour, where she works on her reading and work she is having trouble with that day. her school has been wonderful working with her so far.I used to have to tell her ahead of time other things like what the schedule was for the day if there was no school, who was coming over,what was going to be for dinner, when tv time was over etc. These kinds of kids can't handle being caught off guard so the more warnings for transitions the better.I don't have to do that anymore which is another huge milestone for us. She now knows that transitions are necessary and are going to happen and that she will be able to go back to her previous activity later. She accepts rules even though she may gripe about them, but seriously,what kid doesn't.

When she is older I will let her decide if she wants to try meds. Who knows, she may decide to when she becomes an adult and that is fine because she has also come to know the best tools to help herself as well. She knows what ADHD/ADD is and she knows when she needs a breather to just chill and regain some focus. It is important to not keep these kids in the dark about their "condition". It shouldn't be an embarrassement or anything to be ashamed of.It's just one of those things we need to overcome in life.These kids need to know that it doesn't mean they are bad. They will be so much more confident with themselves if parents are upfront with them and teach them the tools they need to deal with life and people.

Megan is an amazing child and anyone who does not take the time to know her is missing out. She is a handful but she really does not have bad inentions.

My purpose of this post is for people who know me to gain some insight into why Megan is the way she is. And I have reached my tolerance limit as far as the gossip is concerned. So there you have it. That's Megan. We love her.

Blah Blah Blah

Thats how I feel.

I have had so many things running through my mind at a million miles an hour. I don't know where to start.
There is going to be a lot of random babble in this post. Just letting you know. ok, here goes.

how does one think it is ok to tell my daughters best friend not to hang out with her anymore. I'm not talking kids here. This was an adult. And she said it in front of my daughter. I wish I was there when it happened. I really don't like confrontation. However, when it comes to my kids, and things are said that shouldn't, the claws come out. They were playing. You know, like kids do? And the person who shall remain nameless so as to not make me a gossipper needs to mind her own beeswax. My daughters friend is much more rowdy and loud than Megan is. her mom will even say so. Yet this person has the nerve to tell her that she should stay away from that bad girl Megan . WHAT???!!!! Her kids weren't even involved so what in the world was she doing poking her nose in where it clearly did not belong.And Megan and her friend were having fun and actually not being loud at all. Then she sent her 5 year old daughter to stand and watch them.(they said the staring creeped them out). I mean, really, what the heck did I ever do to her!!? I have seen her talk about me before. I can shake that off. But talking about my kid?? Not cool.

A friend of mine had something awful happen to her years ago and just recently an obnoxious boy person who we have grown up with since we were zero years old,and who is by the way 1 year younger than us, had the nerve to tell her in so many words that it was her fault. I won't go into details because she is someone who I will always love and always defend even though we are not as close as we used to be, and I want to protect her privacy. But I am mad. He had no right to say what he did. No always means NO. I hope he reads this and feels foolish for what he said.He'll know who he is and I secretly hope that what he said to her comes back to bite him one day. Sorry, I know that was ugly of me to say.

Men who date other women while still married and living as a married couple with their wife are pigs. Not cool,ok? It was NOT my husband who did this. just thought I would say that to curb the rumors that may fly. My husband is so by far NOT a pig.He's great.

next

do adults have the right to discipline other peoples kids? I'm talking about when I am RIGHT there. Is it cool? No, not to me. This happened and I am still unsure of how to handle the situation. cause you know, I know my kids better than anyone and maybe I know what discipline tactics are the best to use. And are acceptable to me. Thats important. Hmm.

If I sound bitter and in a bad mood its because i am. Sometimes I just wonder what people are thinking. Seriously. And that is basically what has been going on with me other than being sick with the aky shaky flu,kids,housework, etc etc.

On a happier note, I feel a bit better now. Thanks for listening. Advice is appreciated.