Sunday, September 11, 2011

Never forget.

Ten years ago today my friend walked into my house to drop off her son, and shakily told me to turn on the TV. I kind of wish I hadn't.

She said a plane had crashed into the World trade Center. And there it was, right before my eyes, crumbling to the ground.  I don't need to explain the feeling because we all know. I couldn't believe what I was seeing. I will never forget the feeling of complete shock seeing those towers fall and I can't begin to fathom the horror and nightmare of being in those towers, of those on the planes, and loved ones at home realizing their lives will  never again be the same.

As the day approaches every year, those raw speechless feelings come flooding back and it happens all over again. NYC is home for several family members and friends, and those first hours of not knowing exactly what was happening was disturbing to say the least.

Even as I write this I am lost for words, even ten years later.

I hope peace will eventually come to those who lost loved ones on that dreadful day. 
I believe there is a special place in Hell for the Highjackers of 9/11.

I don't know what else to say....

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

Best kept secret ever.

I haven't said much on this topic except for one random Facebook status awhile back...I was excited at the time but was cautioned to "proceed carefully". That was around 6 months ago. SO. For the past 6 months I have been thinking. Deeply thinking. Have not proceeded. But I am ready to write about it.

With the help of some extended family members, I have been searching actively for my bio-Dad for about 10 years now. I have always been curious and tried to find info here and there but the real active search has been on  for a decade. Wow. ...
.ok and wait. Little insert here: no, my mother has not volunteered any info. She stands her ground firmly that she "does not remember". And no, I am not writing this to hurt anyone. .....

Ok. So anyways, we would come up with little tidbits here and there. Unfortunately my birth records are sealed because when my mom married my step Dad he adopted me. And I don't like referring to him as my step dad because he is the only father I have ever known and so from here on out he will be referred to simply as my dad.

I won't bore you with details, and it's better that way because I need to respect the privacy of certain parties involved.

Basically, my Grandmother had taken any info on this to the grave with her ( or so we thought). I don't know why it never dawned on me to ask her for info while she was alive. I could kick myself for that. Some may think it strange that given my "chaotic history" she would not just straight out tell me. But that is how she was. Anyone who knew her the way I did would know that it  is just not in her nature to let the cat out of the bag unless asked to. Unless someone was in danger of course.

So, awhile back someone spilled the beans. Turns out she confided in one of my great aunts many years ago.   As soon as I heard the name I just about peed myself. A similar name had been mentioned by this same aunt to my uncle a few years ago but somehow in relaying the name to me, it got "edited". You know how that happens. You know the telephone game when you pass along a phrase and by the time it reaches the end it is totally different?? Ya, kind of like that. So this past time it was relayed correctly and the pieces came together and there it was. I knew my answer. I have known this person most of my life. I have seen him in passing and even said hi, and probably other things which I cannot remember. I know his other children, although not very well. That is of course if the info is correct. There is a reason I think it is, which may be all the proof I need, aside from a DNA test , if I decide to pursue this.
Enter excitement. I emailed some of my most trustworthy friends and family  immediately.
Then came the questions. .....what do I do with this? I cold email him, should I? How many people actually knew and were just pretending they didn't?? ( because really, how could this be kept secret with both families knowing the same people??) Do I need a lawyer? What if it was not even necessary for me to grow up without him? Did HE know that I am his daughter? How could he not? ....and the list of questions multiplies daily, even now.

So, I know his name. I have questions. Hell, I even have pics of him from the year I was born. How you ask?  Well, years ago I found a bunch of old negatives and from holding them up to the light I could see pics of me as a baby, and my grandma. So I took them I developed them. ( because why leave them to rot in the basement??) That is how. I compared them to recent pics of the guy. And to pics of me. And pics of my kids. so, that is how I know.

So where do I go from here? Not sure. I certainly do not want to disrupt anyones life or cause any stress in anyones family. I may just leave well enough alone and let God deal with it in the eternities. Maybe.

( Let's all pretend that this post is all grammatically correct and such because I am simply too darn tired to edit past the first line.)