Saturday, January 26, 2013

Ok so its been awhile since I have written anything but its good to see I still have some followers LOL. Thanks for sticking around, because I have a project on the go and need your help!
I am working on a human behavior study so to speak. The first thing I need from all of you is discussion ideas/topics...things about human behavior you are curious about, have opinions about, or are just interested in seeing what others think or have to say. Any and all ideas are welcome, anything goes ( email or post in comments). Trust me, you want to participate in this! Any questions, just ask!

Wednesday, March 14, 2012


I didn't realize how much a divorce can wear one out. I was divorced once before when I was only 19. So I don't count that one...I was young and inexperienced and he was abusive and I left after one baby and one on the way. We didn't even live in the same house for 5 months before I ended it.
So really this is my first grown up experience with divorce and hopefully my only one. I will be much more careful from now on.
I had so much emotion and commitment put into this marriage, and to have that all ripped out from under me really threw me through a loop. We were sealed in the Temple so I assumed he loved me and was as committed as I was. Later on he tried to say I forced him to be sealed to me and that he never even asked me to marry him in the first place. Which is false. He did ask me and really, force someone to be sealed to me as serious as a sealing is?? come on.
When he was mad he would throw things, smash things, and tell me to pack my bags and go back to Canada.
I should have just left the first time he ever said it, and I wish I did. I wish I hadn't been so passive when he said he needed to "think" about whether or not he wanted to stay married, and then "thought" about it for months on end.
I hate dwelling on hurt feelings. I don't like feeling sad about the divorce. It's strange because I am not even sad about the actual divorce. I am happy without him, happy to be away from him. I am sad that the kids lost a family. He was never a good stepdad to my kids but they were happy and close with the rest of his family. They now have completely cut my kids  out like they never existed. I shouldn't be surprised because they always claimed to love them equally and eternally but then played favorites with the 2 biological Grandkids.
But it still hurts the kids, and for that I am sad.
Plus, he has never gotten over his first wife and treated me like a second choice anyways.
Like, how dare I say anything negative about her, and he would defend her over and over.But if someone would gossip and say rude things about me he would be mad at ME for being hurt and tell me to get over it. Never once did he stick up for me.
When he was younger he had a thing with the daughter of the woman his uncle was seeing. He said he was 19 which means she would have been 12. Gross to begin with. His uncle ended up marrying the woman and so he and the girl became cousins by marriage. I never knew the extent of their "thing" and it didn't really matter , nor did I care,except that she always acted so strange around me. I had asked him early on in our relationship how far it went and he said they were just friends who kissed a couple times. Ok, no biggie. But it started to really bother me when she would act all close and sweet to him and weird to me. He was always concerned about her and worried about her and it started to have a effect on our marriage. So I flat out asked him if he had sex with her and he said yes. Remember they were 19 and 12 at the time. Gross. All respect lost. Yet still, I know as good as anyone that young people do dumb things sometimes, especially when those hormones take over. All I wanted was honesty, a reason for this weird connection between my husband and her. If he had been honest from the start I could have dealt with it. Not to mention he acted like he still had a thing for her after all those years, and it made me sick. He would have done anything for her, he admitted it, yet he acted like I was a burden.
 Even in light of all this, I never imagined that we would get divorced. I figured he would realize one day that I was a good wife and come to appreciate me the way he should. Never happened. He could never let go of women he had been with previously.
 And yes, that was a problem because I should have been his priority but never was.
I am very forgiving and would have forgiven anything. Honesty is all I ask.
The marriage exhausted me and the divorced exhausted me more and drained me and stressed me out so bad that I would actually be sick.
Never again will I marry someone who is still in love with someone else ( or 2 someone elses for that matter!!)
I am relieved. Writing about it helps me cope with whatever is going on in my life. Plus not many people read my blog anyways. And I dont like everyone thinking I am the bad guy in this divorce. So this is my outlet. I refuse to be walked all over.
 Like I said, so relieved to be free of all the negativity.
So yes, I am happy to be free and single. As hard as it is to be a single mom, I don't regret the divorce.
I know I don't deserve to be treated like dirt. One day a nice guy will come along and sweep me off my feet and this will all be old news...

I don't love him anymore,  and now that the divorce is final, it doesn't seem so strange to call him my ex.

And yes, I am working on forgiving him. It will come in time. I'm not perfect but trying my hardest.

Monday, March 12, 2012

Healing the heart

Once in awhile I am reminded in even the most subtle way of things in my marriage that weren't so bad, and I get that small tinge of a sting in my heart. I will be sad for a moment, then snap out of it and carry on.
While doing the dishes this morning I heard a song that brought back some of those memories. I love hearing the piano, playing the piano...heck, I get excited even seeing a piano!!!...... and I wish I still had one.
During my 6 years of marriage my husband loved to hear me play the piano. He worked nights and said it helped him relax in the mornings before bed. So every morning he would ask me to play, so I would sit and play, sometimes right until he fell asleep. I didn't mind one bit and it was really the only thing that made me feel appreciated. When I think of those mornings I think, maybe he really did love me at one time.

I taught myself to play when I was about 7. That was the first time we ever had a piano in the house. My mom wanted to play, and she did, but I dominated that piano. My mom showed me middle C and I taught myself from the little learn to play books, and even started to play out of the church hymn book and another book of movie theme type songs. Eventually when I was around 11, I finally got to take lessons! My first teacher was a lady from church, and she helped me learn the more complicated hymns.
 My second teachers name was Mrs Falkenstein but everyone called her Mrs Frankenstein. She was a strict teacher, but she helped me brush up on my skills and I was always so envious of how smoothly and effortlessly she played. I was envious of her piano room and all the erasers, pens and decorations that had little pianos and musical notes on them....she even had sticky notes with little musical notes on the top.She was a great teacher and I think of her often. She taught me the art of classical music and was a certified Conservatory instructor. So I became a classically trained pianist and loved every minute!! I wanted to get a degree in music but my Husband said it was a stupid idea and that a music degree would be useless and that when I finish school it had to be something that would make alot of money so he didn't have to work so much.
When my Husband so ruthlessly dumped me I wanted nothing to do with music, the piano, and when I moved into my friends basement I left my piano behind. I was so broken hearted that I couldn't even bare to think about music. I felt like the piano was a huge part of the good parts of our marriage and I wanted to forget all of it. I even sold my ipod that had about 200 songs on it that I paid for on itunes.
As time went on my heart started to heal and I started to make new friends and rekindle old friendships. I started to feel happy again, in my life, my job, and I was even taking a class.
I started to listen to music again and it became the one thing that was able to help heal my heart. I guess its just in my blood. Now if only I hadn't left that piano behind!!!! That, I regret.
Yes, music was a big part of the good in my marriage but it was also a major part of my life before my marriage.

My divorce was officially granted the day before Valentines day.

I am trying to let go of those little things one day at a time. Of course it still stings sometimes, but I cannot let that hold me back from living my life and loving the things that I love. I have made the decision to be happy. Crap happens but I deal with it then carry on. I have learned that true happiness comes from within. Once you are happy with yourself, all those little extras, like say relationships, are just added bonuses.
So right now, I can say that I am honestly happy. It is hard being a single mom but at least my heart has healed. And I learned an important lesson from my marriage.....don't try and conform to something you are not just to please someone. If you love it, you love it and you should keep loving it.

Le Divorce

There is never an easy way to write about the breakdown of a marriage, especially your own.
I was dumped. While the kids and I were homeless, he was vacationing in Mexico. He decided that he didn't think he should have a family.
Ya, that's what I said.
Here is how it all went down.....
We decided to make the move to Canada because my oldest son was living here with his dad and I could not tolerate one more second away from him. As a mother, you know when your children need you and you know what they need when they need it. As my childrens mother I knew this is what they needed. Some will argue that I put my kids first over my husband but no, I was putting my family as a whole, first. I was in agaony over things that were going on that I had no control over because was in the States and he was here in Canada. Long story short, my sons father refused to return him after a summer visit and because of the wording in the divorce papers, even though I had sole custody it was impossible to retain any help from a lawyer or police without a large sum of cash being involved. Nothing could be enforced. And we were not that wealthy. So ensued the battle and towards the end of our time in the states I was in such agony that I could not take it anymore.
Decision made, move family to Canada.
Plan? The kids and I would go and one of 2 things would happen...either i would get us settled and Chris would follow, or I would get my son and we would all go back to the States.
Custody battles started and I could not leave Canada any time soon.
My Husband refused to some visit, even when I had friends offer to help pay for airfare. He would complain if I needed money, he would ignore my calls, emails and facebooking for weeks on end. At first he blamed it on his phone, then on work, then one thing then another. He eventually admitted he had no intention of coming here, ever. so the kids and I were stuck, with only our clothes, and all our belongings accumulated over years and lifetimes were in the States. Nice. He went back and forth between saying he wanted this to work, then he didn't want to be married. Then he needed to think about it. Well, he "thought" about it from February until August. During that time, he ignored me as per usual. I couldn't make ends meet so the kids went to my parents for the summer, I put our stuff in storage and slept in a friends basement for the summer. We had no home. No Husband either because he was in Mexico!! He didn't even know we "moved" at first or even much less cared because he wouldn't reply to my many messages explaining the situation. I would even see him comment to other people on Facebook while ignoring my messages begging him to call me. When he finally answered he claimed that he forgot to tell me he was going to Mexico and that it was a last minute trip. Pardon my french, but BULLSHIT. Lie. I happen to have it on good source that the trip was being planned in April!!! I was needless to say, furious and he had the audacity to be mad at me for being mad!!!! That was it.
I filed for divorce, my good friend went and moved my stuff out and that's that.
Of course he has everyone hating me and being all sympathetic towards him. How lovely. Whatever, he choose to walk away but it is for the best. He was never all that nice to me to begin with. I was always "bothering" him while he was trying to watch tv or play on the computer, he complained about how much the kids and I costed to feed, he put his other family first and me last, he yelled at my kids  to the point where they did not like him anymore, and God forbid I cry, because that was just "begging for attention" and I didn't deserve  attention because I couldn't keep the house clean the way he wanted. He would never hug me or comfort me when I was sad because if he did it once I would expect him to do it again, and he was not going to be "played" like that. My doctor urged and referred me to a rhuematologist and other doctors, but it was "too expensive" so my health suffered. Oh, and the gooder:.......he knew before we were married that I wanted 2 more kids but kept  making excuses and outright refused and insisted on waiting "another year", etc health issues went untreated and brushed off thanks to him, for too long and now I have no possibility of having any more babies. My issues are not life threatening, but still important and he would never open his eyes to see that. And he has never been remorseful or even a bit sorry about it.
Looking back I see that he was not good to me or for me. in fact, I wish I could turn back time and never meet him. Alot of pain would have been spared.

I had to write about this because it's just how I deal with things, and honestly, I want certain people to know the story and this saves me the time of sending out emails and responding to several "comments" etc. Now it's out there.

You live, you learn. So it's over and I'm in a very happy place. I am happier than I have ever been in my life and looking forward to the future.

And when it comes to men?? I want to say I will from now on proceed with caution, but if the right one comes along then I will be ready.

Sunday, September 11, 2011

Never forget.

Ten years ago today my friend walked into my house to drop off her son, and shakily told me to turn on the TV. I kind of wish I hadn't.

She said a plane had crashed into the World trade Center. And there it was, right before my eyes, crumbling to the ground.  I don't need to explain the feeling because we all know. I couldn't believe what I was seeing. I will never forget the feeling of complete shock seeing those towers fall and I can't begin to fathom the horror and nightmare of being in those towers, of those on the planes, and loved ones at home realizing their lives will  never again be the same.

As the day approaches every year, those raw speechless feelings come flooding back and it happens all over again. NYC is home for several family members and friends, and those first hours of not knowing exactly what was happening was disturbing to say the least.

Even as I write this I am lost for words, even ten years later.

I hope peace will eventually come to those who lost loved ones on that dreadful day. 
I believe there is a special place in Hell for the Highjackers of 9/11.

I don't know what else to say....

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

Best kept secret ever.

I haven't said much on this topic except for one random Facebook status awhile back...I was excited at the time but was cautioned to "proceed carefully". That was around 6 months ago. SO. For the past 6 months I have been thinking. Deeply thinking. Have not proceeded. But I am ready to write about it.

With the help of some extended family members, I have been searching actively for my bio-Dad for about 10 years now. I have always been curious and tried to find info here and there but the real active search has been on  for a decade. Wow. ...
.ok and wait. Little insert here: no, my mother has not volunteered any info. She stands her ground firmly that she "does not remember". And no, I am not writing this to hurt anyone. .....

Ok. So anyways, we would come up with little tidbits here and there. Unfortunately my birth records are sealed because when my mom married my step Dad he adopted me. And I don't like referring to him as my step dad because he is the only father I have ever known and so from here on out he will be referred to simply as my dad.

I won't bore you with details, and it's better that way because I need to respect the privacy of certain parties involved.

Basically, my Grandmother had taken any info on this to the grave with her ( or so we thought). I don't know why it never dawned on me to ask her for info while she was alive. I could kick myself for that. Some may think it strange that given my "chaotic history" she would not just straight out tell me. But that is how she was. Anyone who knew her the way I did would know that it  is just not in her nature to let the cat out of the bag unless asked to. Unless someone was in danger of course.

So, awhile back someone spilled the beans. Turns out she confided in one of my great aunts many years ago.   As soon as I heard the name I just about peed myself. A similar name had been mentioned by this same aunt to my uncle a few years ago but somehow in relaying the name to me, it got "edited". You know how that happens. You know the telephone game when you pass along a phrase and by the time it reaches the end it is totally different?? Ya, kind of like that. So this past time it was relayed correctly and the pieces came together and there it was. I knew my answer. I have known this person most of my life. I have seen him in passing and even said hi, and probably other things which I cannot remember. I know his other children, although not very well. That is of course if the info is correct. There is a reason I think it is, which may be all the proof I need, aside from a DNA test , if I decide to pursue this.
Enter excitement. I emailed some of my most trustworthy friends and family  immediately.
Then came the questions. .....what do I do with this? I cold email him, should I? How many people actually knew and were just pretending they didn't?? ( because really, how could this be kept secret with both families knowing the same people??) Do I need a lawyer? What if it was not even necessary for me to grow up without him? Did HE know that I am his daughter? How could he not? ....and the list of questions multiplies daily, even now.

So, I know his name. I have questions. Hell, I even have pics of him from the year I was born. How you ask?  Well, years ago I found a bunch of old negatives and from holding them up to the light I could see pics of me as a baby, and my grandma. So I took them I developed them. ( because why leave them to rot in the basement??) That is how. I compared them to recent pics of the guy. And to pics of me. And pics of my kids. so, that is how I know.

So where do I go from here? Not sure. I certainly do not want to disrupt anyones life or cause any stress in anyones family. I may just leave well enough alone and let God deal with it in the eternities. Maybe.

( Let's all pretend that this post is all grammatically correct and such because I am simply too darn tired to edit past the first line.)

Sunday, December 26, 2010

Let it be Christmas...

Christmas has once again come and gone. I always feel a little bit sad the day after Christmas because I always feel like it goes by way too fast and I wish it could last just a little bit longer.
It was a tough one this year. hubby is 3000 miles away, and here are me and the kids in this little apartment. For most of December I just wanted Christmas to go away. I was not looking forward to it, and I did not want to even celebrate it. Finances are tight right now, family is far away and the ones that are near did not even call or reach out. I have cousins here in town and an uncle 20 minutes away. It is sad when your own family does not consider you family enough to see you on Christmas. I never understood it, and I guess it would be just as well to simply let it go.
However, Christmas has always been my most favorite time of year, and I know I would regret just letting it slip past me. Plus, I knew I had to pull myself together so the kids could enjoy the Holiday. I prayed constantly, but felt unheard. I felt unloved and abandoned, alone and very sad.
As I mentioned briefly in my last post, we have had many trials set in our way the past few months. I have been running on empty.
The Lord works in mysterious ways. Through friends and even strangers,  in my darkest hour yet, I was drawn to my knees in gratitude.
I knew the gifts were not important. In fact, every year people ask me what I want and I say nothing. There may be things I want but I despise greed and feel greedy when I ask for things. And if i want something enough I can go get it myself. I always tell the kids " don't be greedy"...."you will get what is affordable"..."Christmas is not about presents"... etc I was not worried about presents. I decided that the dollar store and Walmart clearances would be my only stops this year and I was fine with it and the kids were too. We had found a cute little bunny online for next to nothing so we already had what was going to be our main gift this year.
The Lord blesses us according to our needs. And we needed Christmas, and it came. Some certain someones who are very special to me made it possible for us to have that. We were also "secret santa'd" by some very unselfish ward members.  Both in the same day within hours of each other. I can't begin to explain how much our family needed that at that specific time.
This Christmas ended up being one of the best. I spent time with people that I have not seen in a very long time, and needed to see. I did see them at Thanksgiving, but seeing them at Christmas was really what I needed.  I am not going to name names which is hard because I really want to...but this family, many years ago, unselfishly welcomed me into their home, loved me, and  gave me the opportunity to see and be a part of a real family. We lost contact for many years, and I have no real excuse or explanation for it, except that I regret so much that lost time. I really am forever thankful for them and everything they have ever done for me. I have always had them in my thoughts and have thanked God for them countless times.
I do miss my hubby so so much and I wish he could have been here for Christmas. Phone calls just have to be enough for now. I have faith that we will see each other soon, we just have to be patient, do all we can and trust in God.
I love Christmas so much and am so sad that is it over so quickly. But so thankful for the peace it has brought this year to our family. We may be a Country apart, but we are so richly blessed, spiritually. We are still poor for now, but I am fine with that. It could always be so much worse. I prayed for the Christmas spirit and got so much more. I am  already planning for next year.... Let it be Christmas!!!