Monday, March 12, 2012

Healing the heart

Once in awhile I am reminded in even the most subtle way of things in my marriage that weren't so bad, and I get that small tinge of a sting in my heart. I will be sad for a moment, then snap out of it and carry on.
While doing the dishes this morning I heard a song that brought back some of those memories. I love hearing the piano, playing the piano...heck, I get excited even seeing a piano!!!...... and I wish I still had one.
During my 6 years of marriage my husband loved to hear me play the piano. He worked nights and said it helped him relax in the mornings before bed. So every morning he would ask me to play, so I would sit and play, sometimes right until he fell asleep. I didn't mind one bit and it was really the only thing that made me feel appreciated. When I think of those mornings I think, maybe he really did love me at one time.

I taught myself to play when I was about 7. That was the first time we ever had a piano in the house. My mom wanted to play, and she did, but I dominated that piano. My mom showed me middle C and I taught myself from the little learn to play books, and even started to play out of the church hymn book and another book of movie theme type songs. Eventually when I was around 11, I finally got to take lessons! My first teacher was a lady from church, and she helped me learn the more complicated hymns.
 My second teachers name was Mrs Falkenstein but everyone called her Mrs Frankenstein. She was a strict teacher, but she helped me brush up on my skills and I was always so envious of how smoothly and effortlessly she played. I was envious of her piano room and all the erasers, pens and decorations that had little pianos and musical notes on them....she even had sticky notes with little musical notes on the top.She was a great teacher and I think of her often. She taught me the art of classical music and was a certified Conservatory instructor. So I became a classically trained pianist and loved every minute!! I wanted to get a degree in music but my Husband said it was a stupid idea and that a music degree would be useless and that when I finish school it had to be something that would make alot of money so he didn't have to work so much.
When my Husband so ruthlessly dumped me I wanted nothing to do with music, the piano, and when I moved into my friends basement I left my piano behind. I was so broken hearted that I couldn't even bare to think about music. I felt like the piano was a huge part of the good parts of our marriage and I wanted to forget all of it. I even sold my ipod that had about 200 songs on it that I paid for on itunes.
As time went on my heart started to heal and I started to make new friends and rekindle old friendships. I started to feel happy again, in my life, my job, and I was even taking a class.
I started to listen to music again and it became the one thing that was able to help heal my heart. I guess its just in my blood. Now if only I hadn't left that piano behind!!!! That, I regret.
Yes, music was a big part of the good in my marriage but it was also a major part of my life before my marriage.

My divorce was officially granted the day before Valentines day.

I am trying to let go of those little things one day at a time. Of course it still stings sometimes, but I cannot let that hold me back from living my life and loving the things that I love. I have made the decision to be happy. Crap happens but I deal with it then carry on. I have learned that true happiness comes from within. Once you are happy with yourself, all those little extras, like say relationships, are just added bonuses.
So right now, I can say that I am honestly happy. It is hard being a single mom but at least my heart has healed. And I learned an important lesson from my marriage.....don't try and conform to something you are not just to please someone. If you love it, you love it and you should keep loving it.