Wednesday, March 14, 2012

Single.

I didn't realize how much a divorce can wear one out. I was divorced once before when I was only 19. So I don't count that one...I was young and inexperienced and he was abusive and I left after one baby and one on the way. We didn't even live in the same house for 5 months before I ended it.
So really this is my first grown up experience with divorce and hopefully my only one. I will be much more careful from now on.
I had so much emotion and commitment put into this marriage, and to have that all ripped out from under me really threw me through a loop. We were sealed in the Temple so I assumed he loved me and was as committed as I was. Later on he tried to say I forced him to be sealed to me and that he never even asked me to marry him in the first place. Which is false. He did ask me and really, force someone to be sealed to me as serious as a sealing is?? come on.
When he was mad he would throw things, smash things, and tell me to pack my bags and go back to Canada.
I should have just left the first time he ever said it, and I wish I did. I wish I hadn't been so passive when he said he needed to "think" about whether or not he wanted to stay married, and then "thought" about it for months on end.
I hate dwelling on hurt feelings. I don't like feeling sad about the divorce. It's strange because I am not even sad about the actual divorce. I am happy without him, happy to be away from him. I am sad that the kids lost a family. He was never a good stepdad to my kids but they were happy and close with the rest of his family. They now have completely cut my kids  out like they never existed. I shouldn't be surprised because they always claimed to love them equally and eternally but then played favorites with the 2 biological Grandkids.
But it still hurts the kids, and for that I am sad.
Plus, he has never gotten over his first wife and treated me like a second choice anyways.
Like, how dare I say anything negative about her, and he would defend her over and over.But if someone would gossip and say rude things about me he would be mad at ME for being hurt and tell me to get over it. Never once did he stick up for me.
When he was younger he had a thing with the daughter of the woman his uncle was seeing. He said he was 19 which means she would have been 12. Gross to begin with. His uncle ended up marrying the woman and so he and the girl became cousins by marriage. I never knew the extent of their "thing" and it didn't really matter , nor did I care,except that she always acted so strange around me. I had asked him early on in our relationship how far it went and he said they were just friends who kissed a couple times. Ok, no biggie. But it started to really bother me when she would act all close and sweet to him and weird to me. He was always concerned about her and worried about her and it started to have a effect on our marriage. So I flat out asked him if he had sex with her and he said yes. Remember they were 19 and 12 at the time. Gross. All respect lost. Yet still, I know as good as anyone that young people do dumb things sometimes, especially when those hormones take over. All I wanted was honesty, a reason for this weird connection between my husband and her. If he had been honest from the start I could have dealt with it. Not to mention he acted like he still had a thing for her after all those years, and it made me sick. He would have done anything for her, he admitted it, yet he acted like I was a burden.
 Even in light of all this, I never imagined that we would get divorced. I figured he would realize one day that I was a good wife and come to appreciate me the way he should. Never happened. He could never let go of women he had been with previously.
 And yes, that was a problem because I should have been his priority but never was.
I am very forgiving and would have forgiven anything. Honesty is all I ask.
The marriage exhausted me and the divorced exhausted me more and drained me and stressed me out so bad that I would actually be sick.
Never again will I marry someone who is still in love with someone else ( or 2 someone elses for that matter!!)
I am relieved. Writing about it helps me cope with whatever is going on in my life. Plus not many people read my blog anyways. And I dont like everyone thinking I am the bad guy in this divorce. So this is my outlet. I refuse to be walked all over.
 Like I said, so relieved to be free of all the negativity.
So yes, I am happy to be free and single. As hard as it is to be a single mom, I don't regret the divorce.
I know I don't deserve to be treated like dirt. One day a nice guy will come along and sweep me off my feet and this will all be old news...

I don't love him anymore,  and now that the divorce is final, it doesn't seem so strange to call him my ex.

And yes, I am working on forgiving him. It will come in time. I'm not perfect but trying my hardest.

4 comments:

Kris McFarland said...

Just came across your blog, and good luck to you. That's a lot to go through - everything, not just the divorce (just! ha!) - but you seem to have a healthy perspective. Most of all, and I hope this sounds helpful (not preachy), remember that forgiving someone is between you and God. Whether you choose to forgive is what you will be judged on. Your ex... Trust me, God's got him ALL taken care of. People who live to hurt others with get their justice; just do your best to forgive him so you can move on. And take care of yourself - you DO deserve it!

-K

Pavan Dittakavi said...

I know someone very close to me going through the same stage as you did/are. And I do understand how it wears one out. I sincerely wish that you recover from this and be able to stand on your own feet and get settled soon. And I also pray to God that this other person who is close to me recover from her emotional phase and find a new life.

All the best to the both of you..

Have Faith..

Pavan.

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